Tuesday, November 10, 2015

I have an obsession...

... with myself.

Don't go jumping into conclusion now. Let me explain. 

I have an obsession with googling my novel and my pen name. It's not an obsession stemmed from pride or the need to feed my ego. Rather, it's an obsession stemmed from fear. 

This is a joke. Narcissus isn't my pen name.
I google myself and The Battle for Oz at least once a day. I check Goodreads and Amazon a couple times a day. Why? So I can try to fix a problem should I get a bad review. So I can try to come up with a solution to the decline in my book's rating. I'm obsessed over the idea that the book will not do well and that the world would hate it. It's mental. Yes, I admit. It's quite mental. And I still do so, as though watching over it would make any difference.

While I craze over it day and night, I find myself praying too - praying for God to take the lead, to be the head in the book project, to have complete control over what happens. I also pray for faith to see open doors and favour from men. But last weekend, it finally dawned upon me that my obsession was getting in the way of my prayers.

It seems I don't trust God enough to let go. I ask Him to take the reigns, but I'm still holding onto it. I say, "God, you drive. You're in control," and then while on the road, I start to doubt if He has checked the tires or if we have enough gas. I tell Him to stop, because something does not feel or look right. Then I try to fix a problem that is not there. It's going to be one freaking long journey if I keep telling Him to pull over, isn't it?

It took me so long to see that, but better late than never. So, in my attempt to completely trust in God and His plan for my life, I'm going to stop obsessing. The physical action of not googling myself or checking Goodreads and Amazon is my spiritual representation of completely letting go. I've decided to only revisit these pages on my birthday next month. Whether I find a pleasant surprise or my book completely tainted, I'll just have to trust that God is doing what's best. 

Is it difficult? Yes, it is, very. Here I am, reminding myself not to habitually look up my book. It bothers me not knowing how the book is doing. But if I want to grow my faith and cripple the fear that has created such an obsession to begin with, I'll have to do it... with God's grace. 

The Battle for Oz has been a book of faith from the very beginning. Every step of the way, from getting the book funded, to now having the book published, I've seen the many facets of faith. This time around, it's me fully relinquishing control. And I know that by doing so, my faith will grow. God is answering my prayer of a growth in faith and He has thrown me this challenge.

Will I accept it? Of course! Challenge accepted, God. Challenge accepted.