Beautiful Times

“This fight of my life is so hard, but I’m gonna survive. Oh, oh, these are beautiful times.” – Beautiful Times, Owl City 

The most beautiful times in life are the experiences of fighting and surviving. Why? Because when you look back one day and see how far you have come, you would have to admit that the hardest time in your life brought you here.

No it wasn’t the first film you starred in, but the first audition you failed to get.

No it wasn’t the day you received your doctorate, but the exam you had to retake.

No it wasn’t the time you closed your biggest business deal, but the day you got fired.

No it wasn’t the moment you became an international bestselling author, but the times you lost writing competitions.

These are beautiful times.

The moments that made you stronger, the moments that threatened your passion, the moments that could have broken you but did not. These moments are beautiful.

Yes, at a first glance it is not pretty. The grotesques sight of failure will be the first thing we see, but if we peel through the layers we will find the beauty of fresh determination and hope.

I write this today because this week is the week most of the contests I’ve joined reveals their shortlists. And guess what? I did not make the cut for all of them. Still, I’m going to survive.

Oh, oh, these are beautiful times.

Chronic Worrier or Conscience Worrier?

This quote just rendered me speechless.

I don't think I'm a chronic worrier because I don't imagine things to go badly all the time, but I am a worrier when it comes to my guilty conscience.

When I make mistakes, small or big, I always think of the worst thing that can happen to me. Even though nothing has happened yet, I have the tendency to let my imaginations run wild and get all worked up over what may or may not happen. This kind of worry can follow me to the bed and end up giving me nightmares... to that extent, I know I have a problem.

I'm not saying worrying is a problem, rather my habit of over dwelling in the uncertainty of situations causes me to lose focus. Of course worrying is not a good thing, but everyone worries because it's humanly to do so. But worry shouldn't be mentally crippling, and my kind of worries can become mentally crippling.

So how do I deal with it? 

I google. I google for solutions on how to stop worrying... which I immediately realize is not something I should be doing. 

Instead of hoping the internet would give me peace, a voice inside of me told me to turn to God. After all, I told God about the situations and He knows I regret making bad decisions. I don't know if God will step in and help me out, but I know God knows. So why am I looking for answers online when God knows everything and has the power to 'save' me from my mistakes?

Faith has been my spiritual gift especially when it comes to my future, but I now know that faith goes beyond that. It tackles the little or not so little humanly problems too. I should practice my faith and trust God is in control. If He thinks I should own up to my mistake, then I should. If He wants to bail me out, then I should thank Him. 

So to stop worrying, I will let God be the judge of me and trust He only does things to make me a better person.

That being said, I'm not a horrid person. I make mistakes like everyone else. So no, I'm not burying people in my backyard... I don't even have a backyard.

It Has Been Done

You know that TV series Haven? I don't watch it but my dad does. Some days when he plays it, I'm around to take a few glances at what is happening. I'm not a fan of the show but I sort of know what is going on. 

Strangely, in those moments when I 'catch' the show, I always end up saying, "Hey! I had that idea too!"

No, I have not read a single Stephen King book, but I have watched some of his films. And strangely, some of the ideas that I have are similar to the King. No, I did not copy him... obviously. 

It's frustrating because now I contemplate on using those ideas, since someone older and well known has already used them. If only I was born earlier, I might have just been the pioneer to those ideas! 

That being said, I'm not really sure if I should be solely frustrated. I mean, I've had multiple ideas similar to Stephen King and not because I'm a fan of his or have read his works. They are ideas that pop up in my head just like how they popped up in his head. Does that mean I would be the next Stephen King? 

I humour you.. right? 

Stephen King has not been an author I've been compared to. Some comment my horror to be Poe like, but I would never dare agree to that. I'm flattered, yes, but to be placed on the same level as Edgar Allan Poe? That's too much of an expectation. I'm also not big on horror and my ideas are usually implemented in fantasy. 

Stephen King and I might have similar ideas but we insert them into different genres. I'm also pretty sure I'm not the only one with those ideas... after all, original ideas are hard to come by. 

At the end of this post, I still do not know if I should be frustrated or flattered. Oh well, at least I know I do have some originality in me. I'd like to think so and I hope my readers would back me up on that notion :)

Weekend Madness

Since the start of this year, my weekends have been filled with one activity after another. This month, it gets slightly busier.

Sure, it’s nice to have things to do during the weekends instead of staying home playing games… but who am I kidding? I’m an introvert… I want some time to read books and do things alone!

Here’s what goes down during the weekend:

On Saturdays, I catch up with sleep and wake up around 10.30.

Then I have 2 hours to have brunch and surf the Internet before heading to the gym at 12.30.

I do some workout, join my mum’s Pilates class and then leave the gym at 3 to have late lunch with my family.

Lunch ends around 4, and if there are no errands to run in the mall, I reach home around 4.30.

At 5, I crank up my high intensity interval-training program for about 40 minutes.

After that, I take a break and by 6 I have to take a bath.

After my bath, I either have a meeting (for an upcoming camp) or a session with my church friends at 6.30.

I usually come home after that around 8 for meetings, and 10 plus for sessions with friends.

My Saturday is gone.

On Sundays, I go to church in the morning at 11.30, and then I spend the whole day with my family. No complains there. Sundays are more relaxed, but still less time spent at home.

What I wish is for more time on Saturday to read and work on some of my personal writings. This month and the next will probably not give me that chance.

You can ask me to make time, but working out is important to me and being sociable is a must. Of course… I don’t need to be sociable but then I would be called anti-social by some of the people I know a.k.a the non-introverts.

You can also tell me to get up earlier, but no. I wont. I need to enjoy my sleep.

And if you tell me to not spend time with family on Sunday, you can go kick yourself in the butt.

I really can’t sacrifice one for the other, so the next time I tell you I’m busy on the weekends, I really am. When I have a freer Saturday, my priority is to spend some quiet time alone. I cherish those moments and a couple of free hours make me a very happy person.  

A Skeptic

I wrote my first novel in 2011. That was 3 years ago. I am pretty sure my style of writing has improved and I probably write much better than I did before. That being said, I am not sure if my first novel stands a chance in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award.

Why do I say that?

Because that novel was not written by the current me, the me that has 3 years of daily practice and the me that has grown in skill. It was written by the ‘lousier’ me.

I am still submitting my novel for the award, but I have a feeling I would not go far in their qualifying rounds. Does this mean my first novel sucks? No… I don’t think it sucks.

Those who have read it said it was a good first novel, one said it inspired them to chase their dreams, a few parents of younger readers said their children devoured the book in one sitting, one stayed up all night to finish it, and the comments on Authonomy were positive. Still… I doubt. I’m skeptical.

I guess it’s a good thing to be skeptical; I won’t feel sad if I don’t qualify. No expectations, no disappointments. But then there’s this little voice in my head that says doubting myself is not good. I should put an expectation on it because I should be proud of my work. 

I was 20 when I wrote it, I did not receive warm hugs and encouragements when I was writing it, and lets be honest here, there were only a small number of people who believed I was a good enough writer back then. So finishing a novel, self-publishing it, and selling about 250 copies, should amount to something… right?

Well, I don’t know. I’m just not confident but I’ll wait and see. I’m still hoping my newer works would place in the finals for the Scholastic Asian Book Awards and the Commonwealth Short Story Prize. Maybe I could win a placing in the StoneThread SpecFic Short Story Contest too?

With all that’s being said, do check out my first novel here. It doesn’t suck, trust me. How I feel about my novel is how a lot of authors feel about theirs. We all lose confidence from time to time, but we never stop loving our works and believing it is worth your reading time!