A Skeptic

I wrote my first novel in 2011. That was 3 years ago. I am pretty sure my style of writing has improved and I probably write much better than I did before. That being said, I am not sure if my first novel stands a chance in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award.

Why do I say that?

Because that novel was not written by the current me, the me that has 3 years of daily practice and the me that has grown in skill. It was written by the ‘lousier’ me.

I am still submitting my novel for the award, but I have a feeling I would not go far in their qualifying rounds. Does this mean my first novel sucks? No… I don’t think it sucks.

Those who have read it said it was a good first novel, one said it inspired them to chase their dreams, a few parents of younger readers said their children devoured the book in one sitting, one stayed up all night to finish it, and the comments on Authonomy were positive. Still… I doubt. I’m skeptical.

I guess it’s a good thing to be skeptical; I won’t feel sad if I don’t qualify. No expectations, no disappointments. But then there’s this little voice in my head that says doubting myself is not good. I should put an expectation on it because I should be proud of my work. 

I was 20 when I wrote it, I did not receive warm hugs and encouragements when I was writing it, and lets be honest here, there were only a small number of people who believed I was a good enough writer back then. So finishing a novel, self-publishing it, and selling about 250 copies, should amount to something… right?

Well, I don’t know. I’m just not confident but I’ll wait and see. I’m still hoping my newer works would place in the finals for the Scholastic Asian Book Awards and the Commonwealth Short Story Prize. Maybe I could win a placing in the StoneThread SpecFic Short Story Contest too?

With all that’s being said, do check out my first novel here. It doesn’t suck, trust me. How I feel about my novel is how a lot of authors feel about theirs. We all lose confidence from time to time, but we never stop loving our works and believing it is worth your reading time!